Grandpa Kline's Poppycock {Not Your Average Caramel Corn}

I donned my first apron strings at age three, and they have tightly attached themselves to each blood-related addition over the last 50 plus years. I  would say the children's perception of cutting the apron strings took place when they left for college. In deference to what they perceive, I have compiled a list of ten rules for cutting the apron strings. It is by no means exhaustive, but I have been told to keep this post short.

10 Rules for Cutting the Apron Strings

1. Look for a sale on Kleenex for 3 months leading up to the initial separation. Subsequent separations should only require a one month stockpile.

2. Despite the training he has received for 18 years, a crash course in etiquette (ie. the toilet lid should remain closed a majority of the time: be careful not to set unrealistic expectations) is necessary as he leaves home, minimizing the amount of criticism you will receive behind your back from the parents of your children's friends.

3. When the plea for grocery money comes, send lima beans and rice- lima beans in retaliation for the uneaten meals you worked so hard to prepare in his childhood, and rice because it is cheap.

4. Never ever let your child know you cancelled your evening plans in case he might call, but do keep your cell phone charged and close, oh, and the ringer turned up.

5. Cameras must be hidden discreetly when checking up on your child's activity. It is unwise and expensive to hire detectives for this information, as you never know when your child might be paying them more (hence the request for grocery money) to keep the information on the QT.

6.If you are in need of some one-on-one time with the child who has actually managed to cut the apron strings, do not overtly initiate it. A slash of tires in the night is almost a sure bet for a plea for help. You may have an uninterrupted 7-10 minutes in the car as you take him to class! You will also, however, probably have a two hour wait at the dealership and a big bill. A rather expensive 10 minutes. Maybe having the hired detective (see rule 5) to lift his keys would be cheaper and kill two birds with one stone.

7. Clean  your child's room immediately upon his departure, and have a garage sale the following day. Spend the next six weeks on the island of your choice compliments of your child's charity! You deserve a break today!

8. Never say "Never". If your child begs to come home, even for a short visit, welcome him with open arms and the list of new family rules. These would of course include making his bed, mowing the lawn, eating lima beans, and parental foot rubs. You might not say "Never", but he probably will.

9. Break out the steak, shrimp, and cheesecake. Do NOT use this meal to in any way reminisce about the "good ole days." The best is yet to come!

10. If all else fails, find the strings, re-attach, call the kids, beg them to come home...NOT really. Check back soon for how this is really done. Until then, enjoy a few more days of attachment.

Gretchen